I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
