bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize