Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
