my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
