ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
