my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
