I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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