I'm drive I can fine osifer
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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