4 words: hood of his car
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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