I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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