Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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