He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
