I'm drive I can fine osifer
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
