shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
