She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
