Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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