Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
