I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I deserve this hangover.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
