i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
