Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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