Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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