so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
