Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
