If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
