Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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