we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this just has baby written all over it
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
