it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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