ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
