so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
