i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
