I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
