Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
