I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i came on her dog
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
