stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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