I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
