I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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