Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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