There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
