I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
