giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
