tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
