I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
