I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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