forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
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