cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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