Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
