There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
