Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
