Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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