I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
