i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
