i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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