I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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