the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize