Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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