I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
