dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
