sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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