yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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